Please, Let go.

by Shruti Ramjee
(Chennai)

Dear Ma,
Remember what you told me about the equations changing between a husband and wife once their child is born? It is very true, and after Shreya and Shreyas were born, I have come to realize it wholly. Parenthood had definitely driven us apart in a sense, and closer in another. Ashwin and I have grown stronger as a couple, grown stronger in love, and have willingly admitted another person in our lives; confident that no matter what, our relationship would not change. But you know, the raging hormones of motherhood and all, I have started thinking even deeper. Someday, the little one Shreyas will not need my physical support. Some day, he will be an independent man. And not long enough, he will be all set to establish his own career, find his own love, and live his own life with his own partner. And so will Shreya.

My equations with my own children would change.

However, would I cease to be their mother, or them, my children? No. On the contrary, we will grow matured enough in our mother-child bond to accept another person in our relationship, who will complete them. Isn’t that the way how things are to be? But why is always a point of contention between the mother and her son’s wife? And why it is not, with her daughter’s husband? After all, both the “outsiders” are those who love our kids deeply enough to share their own life unconditionally with them. Why is it accepted when I “give away” Shreya to her husband, and not with Shreyas? What does the gender of my children have to do here? Well, I never knew what gender the child was until they were born, and the labour pain was no different for both kids. Then why is a mother unwilling to accept an outsider in her son’s life, when she does it easily for her daughter?

Shreya or Shreyas marrying another person would not make me less of a mother. But still, I must slowly let go the strong umbilical bond, to make way for the bond of love to take stronghold. If I do not, I will keep tugging on to my bond, only to realize later that I have been holding on to nothing. Filial love is not forced, it is inborn. It cannot be destroyed by any other form of love, nor replaced.
Why am I telling you all this? I can see, ma, that you are still holding on to the mother-son bond with Vidyuth so tightly, that you cannot see that he is being tugged in both directions. Poor Sita, she has no choice but to let go, hoping that some day, she can enjoy her life with her husband. And this is happening for seven years. And what have you gained by this, ma? How long are you going to put Sita under the scanner, and how long do you think you need to compete with Sita in loving Vidyuth?

The freedom and happiness which Ashwin and I have, is sadly not seen in Vidyuth and Sita. And why do you think Sita is short tempered? She has left her parents, her family, her home, her career, all just to live with Vidyuth, and you accuse her of stealing your son? In that case, even I have stolen Ashwin away from his family, and that too for ten years. Why did you never open your mouth against this, to chastise me? Because deep in your heart, you know, that it is not true. You just cannot accept the fact that Vidyuth, who has counted on you for his happiness, is now happy with another woman. In your sheer possessiveness for your son, you began to see Sita as the “other woman”. Why ma?

Sita is not in Vidyuth’s life to separate him from you, or to replace you, but to provide completeness to his life, something which you cannot do. She is his wife, and you are his mother. Neither can take up each other’s role. When Shreyas gets married, I assure you that I will not be jealous of his wife, and will maintain a decent distance from their relationship.

Please ensure that your son, my brother Vidyuth has his freedom to live his life with Sita, his wife, and with you, his mother.

Please, let go... Please. You will see your bond strengthening.

Your darling daughter,
Vidya.

P.S.: I do not know if this letter will reach you. If it goes through either Vidyuth or Sita, they will not even pass the message to you. They are concerned about you not getting hurt, even if they are hurt by you. But I sincerely hope that this letter reaches your hands.

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