Still in love with her
by P. Yaswant Nihar
For the very first time, I saw her.
I always had a neutral opinion on the Love at first sight. Though, I believed in that – that it happens and also that it rarely happens.
For me, the day I saw her was definitely not the Love at first look and neither did I ever thought about falling for her some day. She vanished for a few days or may be I missed out acknowledging her presence in the office.
Few calendar days passed by when one day my friend informed me that a new girl has joined our office. I saw her. I recognized her the same whom I saw the other day. I was thrilled, but I hid my emotions.
She sat away from me where I couldn't even struggle to have a glimpse of her beautiful face. Intentionally, I used to pass by her desk, not that she would look at me, but for my personal satisfactory moments of stealing some glances of her. And yes, I managed to do that often.
There, she used to sit beside my friends and taking it as an advantage, I always used to peek at her on the pretext of meeting my friends. She never looked at me or may be sometimes the looking-at-a-stranger sort of.
I was already down with the feelings for her. My soul started feeling those lovely tickles inside. My heart skipped and started responding to her. My mind kept on thinking about her.
I was even more desperate than the word ' DESPERATE ' itself to know her name which I found out through one of my friends.
Since that day, my heart started singing jingles of her. I made up my mind - Yes, She is the one for me!
Actually, it sounded very familiar, but those words defined a lot of emotional instincts and encouraged me to go ahead.
Again something bothered me, her marital status. For some horrible instances, my friends scared me that she might be married, but they were proved wrong. I found out that she was not yet married. I rejoiced. Ecstasy found me finally, waiting for some thrill to touch my robotic life.
I googled her on the internet to ogle at her personal-yet-basic information. I was disappointed for not finding her on any social networking sites. But this time, another friend of mine turned helpful. He found her on a site and informed me. My happiness jumped off the hurdles of joyous borders.
I would just wait at the parking bay, searching for her vehicle whether she had come or not and I was never disappointed.
My fate turned an angel to me when she sat right opposite to my desk, few barricades away, but those barriers between us could not make an impact on me to stop looking at her. My exhilaration touched the mountain peak as I would be able to see her all the time.
Whenever she used to stand up to speak to someone or to walk out for some reason, I could not afford to miss any of those mesmerizing moments of watching her. That was enough to soothe my heart. Every time she passed by my bay, I stared at her till she would disappear. Every sound breezing out of her voice caught my ears. Her smile made me to smile. Every movement made by her soul touched me, sending a current tearing my heart apart. The number of times her feet brought her towards my desk, though for some other reasons of hers, my soul would shiver and my heart used to run at a speed of an attacking tsunami. Sometimes her jovial behavior towards her colleagues would leave me clueless of exhilarating moments. It always used to drive my brain stirring inside out of happiness.
One fine day arrived finally, when she caught me looking at her. My intentions were obvious that she should look at me and destiny made it happen. I lived my moment of valor of winning a battle. She saw me few more times the same day. I could not figure it out whether she really looked at me again or it was just my hallucination.
Everyday, it became regular. My eyes automatically would search for her every morning and every time wanting her to see me. It happened again. She saw me.
How could I convince myself that she too was interested in me or should I just have presumed that she looked at me finding my face similar to a frown?
I was not even aware of the fact that whether she knows my name or not. Whatever it was, I was contented that she had started paying attention to my stares.
Sometimes we both found ourselves looking at each other for a few seconds, but did nothing to keep up the momentum. I used to become a dumb actually when I had to do something.
Still, the feeling that she too looked at me, used to make my heart shout aloud.
One of my colleagues, who also happened to be one of my close friends, started threatening me. He challenged me that he too would start admiring her. Being his friend,
I could not harm him, but I thought that at least I could end up a deal with him. I offered to bribe him with free drinks for a whole month not to look at her and he accepted.
Humans tend to change their opinions and if they don't, people look at those non-changers like an alien living on earth since apes era. He too changed his mind. He rejected my drinks proposal one day and started looking at her. The volcano of the jealousy, mixed with a furious rage rose high in me, touching the ceiling of my brains and ready to be exploded anytime. But, I have never harmed him still for I know that he would never misbehave with my feelings.
Her birthday arrived. I was happy. She celebrated it with her close friends in the office. She distributed mid-giant sized chocolates to them. I never wished to get one from her, but just wished to get her – herself.
At a point of the most crucial times, I decided to forget about her, stop looking at her and concentrate on my career, but her presence around me would never let me do it. I know how furiously I fought within myself regarding forgetting her.
I thanked god for not letting me to change my mind about forgetting her as one day she walked up to me to ask about something, irrelevant to my feelings, and I did not felt cursed. Instead, I felt like flying high in the heaven that at least she spoke to me.
Beautiful moment it was when she looked at me while walking towards my desk. I could clearly understand the meaning for the way those eyes looked at me, but never had the courage to analyze it and explain it to myself. I felt even more happier for she conversed with me, although for a few seconds. A chilled spine ran through me, charging me with a few electrical shocks inside my body.
At a times, we both used to pass by each other, almost with a hairline gap between us and never I could muster courage to look at her. Sometimes she used to stand on the way along the bay, speaking to someone and I would simply walk away as if I haven't acknowledged her presence despite knowing that how much I wanted her. Those were some of the moments in my life when I wanted to kick myself for doing nothing.
I often questioned myself, if it was my ego which was prohibiting me from doing anything when she's around me or my fear?
Anything that might be, I did not wanted to let it run longer. I freaked out often within me for not approaching her. At night, while in the deep sleep, many times I felt like next day I would just walk up to her and propose to her. But the next day, those dreams used to vanish, leaving me alone in the desert of confusion. I thought of proceeding with my love to her through my friends, but that would be like throwing yourself into mud. I realized that it would never result in any positive outcomes. Finally, I decided to reach her out my own way.
Everyday, I would just pray to the god to spark off some positive moments between us that could lead us in uniting with each other or else, I wondered why not I should directly express to her about what my heart senses for her.
I waited for the time and this time, the time ran out of my hands. I was left with no other options, but with only one – bidding goodbye to her. Yes, an evening I found out that it was her last working day in the office. I was broken, shattered and could feel my heart peeling off itself in pain.
I almost cried, but couldn't let tears roll out. I had pain in my heart, but could not express it. Even my eyes refused to express my pain. I felt like standing in the middle of dead sea, the world invisible to me. For a minute, I wanted to shout and again for another moment, I had the urge to walk up to her and say – I LOVE YOU.
But I could not as I was left helpless, unable to fulfill my dreams even though she was standing right there, in front of my eyes. For one last moment, our eyes met, but I had no guts to see her for more than 3 seconds. She left – not only the office, but me and my life too.
I am still waiting for the fate and destiny to ring into my life together. Hope, one day I would come across her, irrespective of the place. At least, I could open up to her that day.
Fingers and my heart crossed – I succeed in getting her and if not, I wish her the showers of happiness around her, everywhere and every time.
May be, I think I should follow her, wherever she would be and win her heart, instead of sitting and praying to god to make her mine. ****