by Enakshi Johri
I twitched my lips and gasped. Why was I feeling jealous? Was it jealousy or the feeling of being worthless? I could not understand. It was already 12:00 AM and suddenly I had started to feel bad. I decided to leave work for the next day and go to sleep.
The alarm clock rang. The sound screeched through my eardrum. It was 8:00 AM in the morning. I got up from my bed and sat there rubbing my eyes. My mom had left for work. There was no one else at home but my dog. And then gradually it all came back. How I saw the update on her Facebook wall, how bad I felt and how quickly I went to sleep so that I could hide my real sorrow under the façade of dreams. I began to cry. I did not know why, but I guess my emotions could find their way out through my eyes.
She had got into my company. How could she? She was from a different field. Moreover, she was still studying; then why this job? Was this some kind of agenda of hers to put me off or was this the genuine news? I thought. In fact I over thought. I was never jealous of her. Except for the great height, she did not score above me on anything. Be it looks or academic performance or other extra curriculars. I was better if not the best. And this was proved when she got admission in the very college from where I did my post graduation. Although she chose a different stream, but still it was the “same” college. As if that was not enough, she followed and started pursuing “my dream" job. Arghh. I felt horrible. Not because she was following my footsteps, but because I suddenly realized that the work I was doing was easy enough for a novice person to get into. I was ashamed. I felt useless or rather worthless. That day I spent in bed- crying, sobbing and thinking about the entire negative that was within the universe and that that entire negative would come into my life.
Later that day when my mother returned from work, she understood that something had been up with me. Eventually I told her the whole story. She held my hand and made me sit beside her. She talked. And the best part of this conversation was that it changed my perception. I realized that there are three kinds of people. The first kind, are those who pave their own path and walk on it, turning a blind eye to all the criticism or the negative vibes. The second kind, are the ones who follow other and give the credit where the credit is due. The third kind, are the ones who follow but do not give the credit to the real person. Instead, they behave as if they are the only ones who could do something worth and are generally found with a Pan-Am smile.
She was the person who belonged to the last category. Not that I was dying to hear words of appraisal, but yes I was also not ready to be cut to the quick by anyone. She always had this habit of insulting on the face, be it anything or regarding anything. I never had a chance to talk to her or to bare my heart to her. Whenever I thought of sharing anything, my intuitive self would stop me from doing it. She had taunted me on my admission into the posh college; she had taunted me whenever I did something outstanding. I knew that she would comment on this issue soon. Was I was terrified or was I was prepared? I did not know.
Anyway, I thought again. I had been behaving abnormally. I kept on bending out of shape at such petty issues. I realized it was high time I got a grip on myself and start working in the positive light rather than sitting back and pondering upon what the world is doing. There exists a deep abyss between every two individuals. And it is this abyss that separates the two. It is the identity and the “Karma” that makes us who we are. Retaliating to her actions would make me land on the same pedestal like that of hers. And I do not want to bridge the abyss between our identities. ***