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The duality within me

by Geetika Sodhi Lohan
(Gaziabad, India)

The problem is that the world is trying to figure out everything they see, hear, and feel which is a clear effort to control life. Control what we feel, want, can't get and all because we let our socially conditioned egos rule over us, our lives, our minds and choke our souls and hearts.

We humans don't understand surrendering. We don't understand that we are mere witnesses to a much larger existence which cannot be controlled, governed or resisted. The only power we have is to choose. Choose wisely for the well-being of everyone without letting the inner bohemian intervene with our existence in the society. The only thing we can do is fulfil what we once held on to without letting the free heart succumb to the course it takes with changing times.

We humans feel greatness in being able to control love, our lives, our choices and then complain about misery. Yes it is miserable to not let our soul remain free atleast within us without the fear of being choked while outside socially we continue to adhere to the controlled and mechanized behaviour and choices.

I too was like everybody until few years back. Questioning everybody's choices, judging right and wrong, judging their character and all because I hadn't observed human mind so closely. When I started counselling for mental health in 2014 everything changed. I started listening to people, their reasons for unacceptable behaviours and today as I sit and look back all I see is a zero me. A person who doesn't know what is right or wrong. All she knows is peace that she so badly craves for. When times were good she craved for peace and when they darkened all she craves for is peace.

I never understood society from a young age. Right or wrong. For society it was wrong for a girl to behave like boys and be with them, for me it was normal because why did I have to bear useless girl talks when I could play a volley match in the meantime or skate in the meantime. They could never paint me in conditioning and they can't do it even now and that's what hurts them. The only limitation I allowed on myself was physical, that was of abiding by my commitment to only one man and that was possible because my body could be controlled with a strong mind. But I have never tried to control that man either. Never tried to figure out our relationship or judge it as good, bad successful or not successful and all because I had no demands no expectations.

Society people and this urge to control everything by the world - thoughts behaviour feelings is so beyond my understanding. I am hippie at heart. You can keep me in a cage and the soul wouldn't stop wandering. This whole thought process has always exposed me to scrutiny judgements and I have always laughed them off though they have settled and have also formed a major chunk of my fears.

What I fail to explain is that you need everything figured out because you are ambitious. You question integrity because subconsciously it gives you a sense of supremacy. That's the thing. I don't do or fear it because for me I am just a river with water. You can't mould me or my depth. You can't decide who I throw out or embrace. You can only decide the physical boundary and I too dutifully abide by it but if you try to choke me I flood and roar.

Society, people, conditioning get on my nerves some days. I love to stay limited and bound by duties toward my commitment, I literally love that existence of mine too. I love that I have a person beside me to return back to home and smile at and hug and kiss and be alive again with, lead a happy life because happiness is about knowing that there is someone who is Home and will touch your scars with love and take you in, no matter what is going on in between you. After all, the only thing we humans want is to be "accepted" in wholeness, as we are. That's why we need families, partners and that's why we crave for settlement however individual we might be. Whether by choice or by someone's selection that's why people settle because our wandering souls need a fixating point so that they can rest free from the worry of having to look for someone to accept us every morning.

At the same time our thoughts, feelings, and experiences are beyond this curriculum. They live in a distinct world where we rest for peace, create newness, feel ourselves, feel connected to spirituality and universe, to the infinity and eternity away from the hustle bustle of the world. There our choices, preferences, what we seek varies from the "real" world. In that dimension we connect soulfully. That dimension is the gateway to the void that no one can actually fill because it is not meant to be filled rather lived and experienced.

There is duality within all of us which I don't expect the conditioned society to understand. I guess I am just a cultured social being with a high spiritual bohemian free soul. Yea that kind of sums it up.


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