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The Mother of A Narcissistic Man

by Sudipta Nandi
(Kolkata, India)




The Mother of A Narcissistic Man: A Hidden Dimension of A Social Disorder

We are continuously evolving with social liberation. We no longer outrightly tag people with personality disorders as “crazy”, “sociopath” and isolate them. We are learning to cope with certain mental disorders and making spaces for those people in your society. Unfortunately, there are still very few reports on a major personality and social disorders- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most probably, the victims of Narcissists are so broken mentally and spiritually, that they take lots of time to gather themselves. Meanwhile, those Narcissists already have integrated their network and developed a strong positive social image.

So, what is NPD?
Let me start with an example. I am sure, all of us have met at least one narcissist or person with narcissistic traits in different phases of life.
Suppose S is a happy-go-lucky, flexible, cheerful, young woman who just met T, a charming young man via social media. From the very beginning, T was extremely caring and good to her. The connection moved too fast. A little too fast that S missed the fact that she was losing friends and other important communications. It was like T was creating a new S. He was so overprotective that S could not talk to other male colleagues, choose her daily routine or stress relievers. If she tried to do the said, T gave her “silent treatment” until she did what T wanted. But, S could not question T’s female connections. They were just friends and important. Once the honeymoon phase was gone, T became more distant and negative critique of everything she did. S started to lose her confidence and became so desperate for that “honeymoon phase” love, that it took a toll on her mental health. Unfortunately, that love never came back.

Yeah, the example covers two NPD phases-namely, idealization and devaluation. Notably, people with NPD or narcissistic traits cannot be recognized with some ideal signs and symptoms. Those predators do not always come as lovers. They can be your most charming boss or teacher. Yeah, initially charming, but after some time you start to understand something really dark in them.

Well, then how do you identify them?
Hmm. We need to look for four key traits, namely, abnormally high sense of self-importance, desperate need for admiration, zero empathy and hefty need for self-entitlement. They reflect in different combinations of expressions or actions. For example, a narcissistic boss, if not receive enough recognition (according to him/her) can sabotage promotion, demonstrating extreme anger without valid reason. A narcissistic husband can demand physical intimacy, especially when you are sick and need rest. A narcissistic lover can make your birthday party a living hell, because you are getting the attention. Rings a bell?
Now, a word of caution. It takes time to identify them. They also have a strong network of like-minded people who can manipulate and invalidate your feelings. So, when you are screaming with pain and reacting violently, they are just enjoying their victory over your mental and spiritual damage. It is observed that in the high-income countries, 10% of the population have at least one personality disorder while the prevalence rate is 4.3% in middle-low-income countries. However, very few people with NPD come forward with their conditions. That means the percentage is much higher than the reported percentage.

But, how does NPD become a social disorder?
Well, NPD disables a certain part of the public to develop healthy personal and professional relationships. As these persons with NPD tend to develop integrated networks, they are major reasons behind toxic social functions and discriminations. Moreover, the victims require a lot of time to recover. Sometimes, they understand the problem too late. This trend confirms wastage of valuable time and human resources that could make the society healthier with their contributions.

Well, where are we putting the mother?
Most of the time, the mothers of those men with NPD show certain toxic personality traits. It is like the personality development process of those men are manipulated by the mothers. The mothers often consider NPD men as their second husbands, mentally. So, the NPD men are regulated to meet all kinds of emotional needs of the mothers although their emotional needs are never met. Rather, they become those parts of the husbands that the mothers never have but want to have. For instance, if the father is not a regular bread earner, the mother transforms the son into a substitute bread earner. Similarly, if the father is emotionally distant, the mother makes the son an emotional punching bag. Imagine what the son’s mindset transforms into. The son, from his early childhood, becomes the man who keeps carrying the mother’s emotional burdens. He develops a negative feeling or hatred towards all women as the mother is the first impression of a woman for him. The toxic mother-son connection never teaches him ethics, the boundaries of right and wrong. Rather, it makes him a tool to manipulate and exploit. Obviously, those broken sons as grown men start to exploit women. The more they break women; they feel the winners and avengers for their broken parts. Thanks to the moms.

Is there a way out?
As those men are already broken, we women cannot fix them. Rather, we can restrict our emotional boundaries to protect ourselves. Professionals still have not found a cure for them. Trust me, recognizing and protecting ourselves can bring a social transformation as we are saving lots of social functions in that way. Of course, narcissistic traits and NPD are not the same. However, once you detect some of those traits, you should discuss the same with peers and family. Who knows how many safety tactics we can discover?

So, stay alert and stay connected. Love bombing is not love. It is just a darker way to prey on your emotional health. I hope some of my gender-peers will find this article helpful. I am focused on NPD men here. But, NPD women demonstrate the same toxic traits. For instance, the mothers I just described. We may talk about them some other time.


References:
https://www.charliehealth.com/research/personality-disorder-statistics
https://www.e-counseling.com/articles/narcissistic-mothers-raise-narcissistic-sons/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-mother/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/children-of-narcissistic-parents
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/#:~:text

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