Treatise of Hatred, Love and Karma
by Anupriya Chowdhary
At any point in your life, have you ever gotten consumed by your hatred for one particular person? Have you ever developed an instinctive dislike for somebody even before you have met them? Or may be after having met them and interacted with them for only a couple of minutes, you observe the person for all their flaws. You judge them for every action that deviates from your personal commandments of acceptable behavior?
Before you realize you are obsessing over the person for every tiny bit of their doing or undoing. Whatever they say, do, or not do, you conclude every minute observation to be a blasphemy of common sense.
To observe them and then in the confines of your mind, within the four walls of your aloofness, continuously evaluate the other person – it becomes a way of life for you.
“Why did she do that?”
“Why would he do such a thing?”
“Couldn’t she have done that?”
“Wouldn’t it have been better if he did that?”
“Imagine someone doing that!”
“I don’t understand her doing that!”
Every waking minute you seem to be just thinking about that one person. Even when you are busy working on an important project or cooking that special meal for your dear ones, in the periphery your mind your thoughts are working hard to dig the faults in that one person’s stars.
It kills you further, when the other person seems to be completely oblivious of your excessive interest in them. You have done everything in your capacity to entice a reaction. You have tried an amicable dialogue, you have tried requesting them to talk and find a solution and you have tried bringing in a mediator. You have even tried raising a storm at their insolent behavior. But nothing works. Nothing.
And then you start doubting yourself. All this time, you were convinced that you knew exactly what was it that was pricking at you. You knew that this person was a far cry as long as compliance with your so called code of conduct (remember the commandments) was concerned. And thus you were sure why you hated this person.
But after spending many weeks, months or even years of hating this person, you suddenly realize that you have a reason to hate this person no more. It’s now only out of habit that you look down upon this other entity. Or even maybe, it has become a hobby to knit pick whatever he does. You don’t feel hatred anymore, you feel engulfed by your need to hate her.
And then you grow restless. Why?
If you are as remotely as evolved a soul as anybody who can figure out that you have moved to some inexplicable level of hatred, you will grow restless. After all, who wants to waste time hating somebody this hopelessly? People these days, do not believe in falling in love hopelessly. Then you do realize that hating hopelessly is a sure wastage of time.
But it’s been so long with this hatred thing, that you now want to go back to the source and figure this all out. You put on your thinking cap and start observing that person. All in fresh light.
You crease your forehead as you put aside your old brooding egoistic self and try and figure what was it that has led you to spend an eternity hating somebody. You now have a closer look at the said person. And that person is probably doing the same things, the same way, with the same intentions.
But you aren’t sure anymore. Because you aren’t the same anymore. Now, you begin to marvel at how quiet that person is in contrast to your talkative self. How he goes about his business without bothering about what you think of him.
You look at her high cheek bones for the first time in your life and know that she has been exercising and dieting to lose that extra chunk of mass.
And then there are other attributes too. He is very dedicated to ‘himself and his’. She could go any lengths to fend for ‘herself and hers’. You suddenly find yourself pining to become a part of their idea of ‘them & theirs’.
You notice that she actually is very dedicated to a handful of those who she values in her life. Your frustration now is that you aren’t among them.
You dig your nails so deep into your palms that they run a risk of becoming permanent lines of fate. A fate that is full of agitation. You kick the ground beneath your feet and go breathless with the realization that you mean absolutely nothing to him. That she does not hold you significant in any capacity in her life. Not even as a potential competition or a threat. Yes, you figure that you are that hopeless.
Why? Why me? Why not me?
You grow restless with the rising noise in your head. You want to punch something hard and hurt yourself. You grit your teeth and stop yourself short of confronting him, to ask why you would not fit into their scheme of affairs. Why she wouldn’t look at you, like she looked at someone else.
And then you start looking for faults in your own stars.
You have suddenly put him on a pedestal. Without realizing you start worshiping her for having that hypnotizing affect on you.
Frustration slowly paves path for remorse. Acceptance of some sort sets in. Definitely not the happy sorts though. You are too proud to make amends, bow down and ask for forgiveness. You wouldn’t do that because you really don’t know what to ask forgiveness for?
“Oh! I misunderstood you earlier and now I am in awe of you.” This sounds idealistic, but isn’t realistic. This just doesn’t come across as convincing enough, does it?
You give signals of truce with your tight lipped guilty smile, your widened expectant eyes. But obviously he isn’t even looking at you. She has now gotten used to looking past you. As if you didn’t exist. You’re hurt. You want to tell him that you want penance. But no words would do justice to the intense feeling brewing within you.
You are inclined to be really disappointed once again.
“If I can look past our past differences, why can’t he?”
“Why can’t she reciprocate this feeling of mutual respect?”
You’re angry. You cry your heart out. You want to be friends now. But you don’t know how.
You know in your heart that you’re still too proud to apologise vocally. You suddenly recall that you came across some concept called aura, or was it energy? And it said something on the lines that your thoughts have the power to reach out in any direction you want them to. You are willing to send a lot of apologies and blessings and best wishes his way. You meditate and radiate love energy into her aura all day. But it seems futile.
You know there isn’t any going back on your stance now. You are cursed with a lifetime of longing. You now brace yourself to carry that Albatross around your neck and have your back burdened with guilt.
“Was I too quick to form opinions about him?”
“Did I misjudge her?”
“Maybe I was just too fixated on my way of being right.”
You wonder. You scratch your head, trying to remember what was it exactly that caused you to hate him so bad. Why did you detest her at all in the first place?
But alas, it seems like it’s been almost a lifetime. That he doesn’t look forward to reconciling the differences irks the core of you. The possibility that she has already moved on in life, without you that is, dreads you. Yet, you can’t recall one good reason to hold on to your prejudices.
You spend days - morning till dusk and night till dawn, figuring where the hell one could find peace of mind in life. If you were me, you might even open up an excel sheet and make a flowchart and a fish bone diagram to analyse the mess in your mind.
Firstly you weren’t supposed to meet him.
Fine you met! But there definitely couldn’t be a reason strong enough to hate her at first sight!
Your hatred had lasted you so long. Then what was the need to question your hatred and actually begin to admire his real or imaginary positives? I mean, for god’s sake why?
Ok. You figured she actually had some blase to her character. But you should be wise enough to understand that the world does not bend down to your whims and fancies at your will and timing.
Things just don’t work like that.
And at this point, my dear friend, you should be wise enough to know that you are in deep shit. This shit has a real name. Unrequited love.
It will now suck all the life out of your spirit. It will bring you down to your knees and whip your bottom with its leash. Or, it might leave you to the mercy of time. For time alone knows if there is left any hope for you. Hope to find happiness once again. Hope that it might be possible to breath without thinking of someone who is a long lost case.
For the latter to happen, you have to be very lucky. For in that case, time will have to have one more companion, before you can say yuppie. Yes, it’s now time for Karma to give out the sentence. Karma alone will decide whether you have had your repentance. If you will ever be absolved of your vice, is a decision that your Karmic account will make in due course of time.
Until then it’s contrition and hope, walking hand in hand within your soul. And what will I do until then? I will pray for you…for you to be absolved of your suffering and be able to live with a free mind and a careless heart. Yeah, the one that can love again, past leaving no mark. ***