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Unable to Love Myself

by Suyasha Singh
(Hyderabad, India)

Whistling down my way through the coniferous forest of shivalik range
I suddenly realized how content I was
I suddenly don’t have to worry about my career
Don’t have to worry about my relationships
Don’t have to worry about money or skin or clothes or hairs or shoes
Suddenly I don’t have to worry about my future

I no more worried at all about the materialistic appearances out there,
Here I am alone, being the centre of everything
Here I am alone, with the reality
After a long time I was enjoying everything out there
But those things didn’t appear to me as materialistic
Because it was after all mother nature
She embraced me, accepted me to her fullest
Without any judgments
She accepted me for who I was
She did not ask me to become something as a precondition to accept me
I now felt guilty for causing her pain to fulfill my materialistic pleasures

I realized I turned this blissful experience to a problem
I have become so critical about everything
I guess this system has turned me into someone who cannot love herself
I cannot enjoy even few minutes of pleasure because my mind is running so fast
I don’t even know where I am now
I am lost again.

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