Was it really him? I wondered as I stood at the platform puzzled whether to speak to him or not. May be I was wrong, it might not be him possibly or I would have identified him I told myself because the guy I was thinking about was special. Special in the sense that I really liked him in my school days, so if it was him I should not have a doubt identifying him, I thought, but “you have not seen him for past one year, may be it is him. After all one year is enough to erase faces from your memory”. I felt as if my heart said these lines to me.
The guy stood in front of me just a few inches forward. The metro arrived and we both boarded the same metro. He had not seen me till then and I stood comfortably and he just stood in front and now his face was towards me but his whole attention was in his phone. Well now when I saw his face clearly I knew it was him and I felt a strange happiness and joy take over me.
“But what was he doing here? Had he taken admission somewhere here nearby?” these thoughts were running in my mind as the announcement of my destination station brought me back to senses.
I saw he was also standing near the gate to deboard. Now I was eager but I didn’t speak to him although I noticed he had seen me and was constantly looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I stood still and felt like grounded. The train doors opened and I managed to deboard in the state of excitement. He was lost in the crowd and the smile from my face faded away, but the scene where he was looking at me flashed in my mind and I smiled again.
My friend Aparna was waiting for me at the metro station. As soon as she saw me she asked “Are you okay Dear Shilanshi? You seem to be so happy and excited!! Is there something special?”
I wanted to tell her everything and then I suddenly spotted him standing right in front of us. Aparna’s back was towards him and I was facing him. Unlike in the metro where he played safe looking at me stealthily now he was looking right in my eyes and had a sweet smile on his lips. His gaze was fixed on me and I felt goosebumps as he didn’t even blink and my heart was beating faster as if it wanted to race against time. This feeling was not new to me. I always felt like this whenever he used to look at me back in school. Being afraid of what his reaction would be, I never really voiced my feelings to him. More than his reaction I was afraid of losing my image. I was among the brightest students and everyone in school out there had huge expectations from me so did my parents. So I never felt that what I felt for him was right and back then I would always tell myself that it was mere infatuation and has nothing to do with the word called “ love”.
“Shilanshi, do you hear me?” My friend said in a loud voice and I was brought back to reality. I looked at her and said “yes”. I noticed him approaching us. My friend held my hand and took me towards the road saying “come on we are getting late”.
I looked at him while Aparna dragged me away. I saw him taking his hand up as if to wave goodbye to me, but then suddenly he stopped and brought his hand down and I looked away towards the road for crossing.
I could not concentrate or focus in lectures on that day. I felt strange and odd feelings like butterflies in my stomach. I would smile for some time and then tears would roll down my eyes. All my friends were baffled at this weird behavior in me. They advised me to go home and rest as they felt I was exhausted due to burden of studies. Unfortunately I could not tell them anything. I left for home and on the way I received a call from my school teacher who told me about admissions this year from my batch. Raghav was one name among them. The teacher told me that he had taken admission in the college near to mine and Sir asked me to help these people if they have any problem and I told that I would help the students if anything was required. “So I would see him more often now,” I told myself and smiled. That night I could not sleep because of strange emotions. No, they were not the lovey-dovey thoughts. Instead I was worried about how would I concentrate now because one thing was adamant I was going to see him more often and one day or the other he would come up to me and speak to me. Back in School I knew I could not let myself go astray but now in College it was all together different thing . In the past, I had suppressed my heart and let the brain workout for me, but now my heart was getting more powerful and resistance was seemingly impossible.
“You can be just friends with him, Can’t you?” I pondered over this question and the answer was “NO”.
Finally, I reached a decision when I again forced my brains over my heart. “I won’t speak to him and won’t look towards him. If for some reason a conversation would be needed then I will do it as old batch mates but not as friends,” I said to myself.
Next Day when I reached the metro-station I saw him standing at the same place but I didn’t stop besides him, and instead, moved towards the women’s coach and as the train arrived I got into it fast. As I occupied my seat near the end of the reserved coach I saw him again standing at the start of second coach looking at me and smiling. “Why the hell is he making things difficult for me?” I asked myself.