Custom Search

To My Younger Self

by Surbhi Dadhich
(Delhi, India)

Not An Advice To My Younger Self Because How Dare I…


I hate rendering unsolicited advice. Because who am I? I would want to exercise zero control over anyone. Yet, I would love to control myself the way I want. I hope I fully own myself, shamelessly and unapologetically. I wish I could opine this to my younger self who swished around corners and stayed silent. I still seek silence, yet never at the margins.

So yesterday I turned the pages of my diary, and it dawned on me that I did just fine all this while. Whatever I had decided to do, I stuck to it quite stubbornly, and although it caused a pinch of sorrow and remorse later, at least I can reconcile to the idea that I did what I wanted at that moment. This was wrong, I know, but here is to my younger self, this is a piece to reinstate your conviction and smother all conundrums:

I would want to pat you on the back because you worked hard to learn everything, from that dreaded formula of compound interest to that chemistry equation that you mugged up eventually. After all, balancing it seemed elephantine. Although I wish you would go out more, ride a bicycle with friends, and run till you feel breathless, kudos to you, you danced like a diva when no one was at home and recited your rhymes like that grey cuckoo, hovering from sofa to the bed.

I would want to adore you for not wearing dresses that you did not like. You fought for that same green-laced dress over and over again and wore it to every occasion despite multiple failed attempts by your parents to not wear the same. Now that I peek into showrooms that display vibrant kids’ outfits, I wish you would wear them all, one after another. Nevertheless, that green-laced dress was quite dazzling, and you bloomed like a forest in it.

Also, it is heartening that you kept the house clean and put things in order. You spent hours making it so spotless that even dust would hesitate to settle. Cleanliness is godliness, they say, but I wish you to be careless, relentless even, once in a while.

Speaking of being relentless, indeed, you were quite ruthless when you couldn’t care about anyone except yourself. You closed doors on people and did not adhere to anything for the first couple of days. Though it is prudent to analyse before acting, basking in multiple perspectives throughout the process feels equally exhilarating.

You had anger pent-up inside you, and you poured it out in words, because violent words don’t really harm anyone except the white paper on which they pierce through from the sharp nip of the pen. Yes, it is quite commendable that you did not tear your hair out, but you could also vent it out by voicing your concerns, I mean, both of them work effectively.

What else? I love it when you put on makeup, especially when you do it yourself. You look ethereal either way. I marvel at your patience and kindness, but know that eventually you would let go of it, sometimes, and that would not bring disaster or god’s punishment. It would only bring grace to you. And, I am telling you, you can actually speak what is in your mind without regard to consequences. I would always be enchanted with what you have to offer.

Lastly, who am I to control even you, my younger self? You always figure it out, always.

***

Click here to post comments

Return to Perspective.